So, he made extreme statements intended to shock people out of overly head-oriented habits. Some NVC practitioners are able to integrate their use of connection skills with keeping a focus on the purpose they are attending to, and this can result in a high degree of effectiveness. Straight Talk About Communication Research Methods. It doesn't seem to occur to either the principal or Dr. Rosenberg that the goal of attending the meeting need not be summarily dropped in favor of spending an unspecified length of time with the student, that the situation might be a both/and rather than an either/or." U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen agreed with Chinese Vice Premier Liu He to enhance communication about macroeconomic and financial issues during a "candid, substantive, and constructive . Dr. Rosenberg had a habit of sometimes saying things that were shockingly extreme, I think as a way of trying to jar people out of well-established mental ruts. I have a sense that your "second-level want" is philosophically close to NVC's "need"both are about going to the deeper meaning that is at the heart of the conversation. Some people win, some people lose; and often, if you look closely, everyone loses. You continue, "Anger is a signal that a boundary has been crossed. There are a multiplicity of reasons for this suggestion that have nothing to do with condescension. And, it's likely this story was offered as an antidote to those who chronically under-prioritize connection. Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty. What starts as a conversation escalates into a fight in which the original issue gets forgotten, you lose track of what youre even yelling about, and nothing gets resolved. We specialize in helping clients navigate pivotal brand moments including establishing new-to-market identities as well as helping legacy brands reinvent themselves in competitive market segments. Fight spam! The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. Give it to em straight, and give it to em cleanly. I think it was more about establishing a certain detachment with regard to our judgments, not taking them too seriously, and developing a habit of using our judgments as doorways to deeper, more loving, experiences. I gather that Clean Talk offers some ideas about this, and those may be useful. Without anger, I wouldn't know that someone had crossed my boundaries, invaded my privacy without my permission, blamed me for something that wasn't my fault, taken advantage of me, 'put one over on' me, or 'crossed a line.' I imagine it as a practical question, that need not have any deeper meaning. You write "Dr. Rosenberg appears to consider only the most negative of these definitions as the meaning of a judgment essentially, to equate judgment with condemnation. Please feel free to discard whatever is not useful to you. What is important about something NVC calls a need is that it: Focusing on needs ideally tends to support: Ultimately, I think some core goals of NVC are to offer a way of thinking and speaking that supports: NVC is intended to support a paradigm shift in how we relate to self and others, and how we invite others to relate to us. 30, 33, 72, 86, 122, etc.).. It is presumed that it is necessary to motivate people extrinsically, and that it makes sense to coerce people to do things that they dont intrinsically want to do. The desire to escape shame seems to be a driving factor in substance abuse and many other unwanted behaviors, and so shaming would potentially be tragically counterproductive. (I notice that sometimes an anger-related emotion might get toned down in the way it is named, e.g., someone feeling furious might say theyre angry and someone feeling angry might say theyre feeling irritated (or irritation?) ' While talking about your history together may be useful when youre both calm, MFP recommend sticking to the present when things are heated, as anger turns references to the past into a club rather than a source of enlightenment.. Instead, he offers to say, 'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means. I think Rosenberg is trying to disrupt the well-worn mental grooves that eventually lead to condemnation. Theyll also have a much clearer sense of how their performance contributed to you than they would if all they heard was You were great! And, this sort of expression makes it less likely that the listener will be conditioned to be excessively vulnerable to someone criticizing them. You say "in some situations [Rosenberg] seems to suggest that connection is all that matters and that it is better to drop boundaries rather than risk losing connection [He]tells a story about a school principal who comes upon a dejected student while hurrying to join an important meeting for which she is quite late. 26. Want to start taking action on the content you read on AoM? That said, I have (only infrequently) had an experience of an NVC practitioner (who I assess as not very skilled) being so focused on reflecting feelings and needs that they couldn't "get" the meaning I was wanting to share with them. The second practice is more do-able in conversations as they happen. ACT, as the name implies, is an active therapy, directed toward living fully while accepting what is not within our control and committing to actions that are within our control to make life meaningful and fulfilling. I was delighted to encounter this, because I think there is a lot to be learned from reflecting on ideas dear to us (as we understand them and as others perceive them), and considering what arises from different orientations to the problem of communication. The inclusion of a "second-level want" in Clean Talk likely offers some, but not all, of the benefits of NVC's focus on needs. Cha c sn phm trong gi hng. What are the principles of clean communication? Dr. Rosenberg dealt with some of the problematic aspects of our interpretations, the stories we tell ourselves, by encouraging people to shift their focus, to attend more to other components of experience that he felt were ultimately more important. I notice that when I read this, I don't share or like the judgment of a "confusion of boundaries." In 1973, apparently Marshall Rosenberg specifically cautioned against talking about needing something, out of a concern that this would convey an unhelpful sense of Its an emergencyI have to have this thing I say Im needing. Over the years, Marshall wrestled with how to address certain problems that he wanted NVC to be able to address, and this eventually led to Marshall including something he chose to call needs as a central feature of the model. To do this, you want to swap out your you-centered accusations for statements that emphasize I how you feel when your partner does certain things. Its not a form that it seems like NVC would encourage its not naming an NVC-style need, as I understand these. On the other hand, if I asked Are you able to give me a ride? this wouldnt seem to risk any assumptions about ability, but there would be a risk that the person would think Im implying that they should say yes if they are physically able to comply, even if they dont actually want to. Most of the energy comes from somewhere else, though the words I read were the stimulus. I view learning how to communicate in more satisfying ways as an ongoing exploration, and Im continually trying to identify gaps in what I share with others about this topic, and in my own understanding. Need is also the component that is most easily misunderstood. Discernment is valued among NVC practitioners. clean talk communication. That said, I would typically advise students to be selective about where they use the verbal forms of NVC, but to practice the mental part seeing situations through a different lens much more often, i.e., whenever issues of values and conflict arise. Regarding hurt and injured I agree that these are risky in that they can be held as implying an agent who caused these. But, it could happen, so I value the possibility being named. All Speakers. (I find the story you cite on p. 113 in NVC: A Language of Life.) "Oh boo-hoo. Clean communication means keeping your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible. I notice that I seem triggered, and I interpret this to mean this interaction is reminding me of some unhealed pain from the past. cisco sd-wan cloud onramp for saas deployment guide clean talk communication. You also say, "the practice of paraphrasing' seems to be based on an assumption that the other person isn't capable of expressing feelings for themselves, and is therefore somewhat condescending. Its not about assuming the other cant express feelings for themselves. But blanket condemnations of your partners character are anathema to a loving relationship. That implicit distinction is what allowed him to talk about the dangers of focusing on thought (in Relationship Talk), while demonstrating adroit thinking (in Concept Mapping Talk), without there being any actual contradiction. The result highly resilient work partnerships that produce positive performance. . Its hard to move forward if you keep rehashing the past; instead, let sleeping dogs lie. This is based on user satisfaction (60/100), press buzz (56/100), recent user trends (rising), and other relevant information on CleanTalk gathered from around the web. There is probably something to be learned about skillful use of requests so as to not fall into this trap. Products Bestsellers. If your partner complies, shell only be doing it to avoid the consequences of your threat, and if she doesnt, the argument is going to escalate and/or keep reoccurring. Remember when I spent all weekend cleaning the house before your folks arrived and you never even said thank you?, Its always the same damned thing with you. CleanTalk provides not only anti-spam plugins for websites. Yes and they are also signals concerning what is going on inside us, about how we have processed the information about what is going on around us. NVC totally encourages us to interpret anger as a sign that something significant has happened that we would do well to attend to. At the same time, as real as this danger is, I want to also honor that NVC aspires to support people in transforming the way they relate to life at a deep level, not just the way they speak, and that at times NVC can be movingly effective in producing this result. Im guessing you just didnt manage to do it, and I want it to be totally okay for you to be human. This framework offers a reliable basis for seeing beauty and nobility in all people and in every part of our psyche an intellectual framework that, when it is exercised fully, inevitably leads people to experience love and compassion. Do you think you could make more of an effort to be on time?. Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. Im curious about the apparent intensity of wanting to know more (you say, "I have questions"), with regard to some of these examples. This framework is less tied to coercive associations with there being one right/objective perspective, and with searching for who to give social approval to and who to punish with disapproval. If it's a spam bot, then CleanTalk blocks this comment or registering. Our support of GRID Alternatives goes to training opportunities for women looking to jumpstart or advance their renewable energy career. You also write, in regard to NVC, "In not requiring the speaker to reveal how they would benefit, in my opinion, there is a lack of clarity and also a denial of ownership.. I am surprised by your conclusion that, "Dr. Rosenberg doesn't believe that appreciation is good for the recipient. If that were the case, why would the book contain a whole chapter on offering appreciation? If you get contact email spam, comment, registration or other spam messages, it's time to add spam protection to your website. Or, if the performer believes it when they hear You were great! it means buying into a frame where others get to determine how they feel about what theyve done, and theyll subsequently be more vulnerable to believing it when someone criticizes them, however unfairly. I feel grateful to have this issue be named, because I think that it is a factor that often gets in the way of the intended fruits of NVC being fully realized, often even among those who think themselves proficient at NVC. On the other hand, suppose you approach the performer and say, When I listened to you sing, my cares fell away and I felt joy and awe it filled me with a sense of beauty. In this case, even if the performer perceived mistakes in their performance, there is nothing to argue with in your report of your own subjective experience; regardless of how the performer enjoyed their own performance, they can take in the way that their performance contributed to you. Id love to have trust and practical ease in what happens between us. seeming condescending the tonality one uses can affect how this is received. Introduction Why Use Role Play Own Judgement Own Feelings Own Wants - Our Redo Own Data Word Coaching Introduction Judgements Feelings Wants Data Shadows of Clean Talk and Word Coaching Get Consent The End I am also intrigued by the ideas of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC), as developed by Sharon Strand Ellison. However, NVC's needs focus is offers a way to transcend the disadvantages (unnecessary alienation) of moralistic language, and I don't see Clean Talk offering that, even with "second-level wants. Plus, your partner will likely be hurt that youre still holding onto something she thought youd forgiven her for, and you both will feel like your relationship isnt progressing. Work opportunities - job leads that maybe in your area. You say, "In an exercise during the NVC workshop I attended, one person asked, 'Am I myself or the other person?' This was definitely the best in the bunch. What is skillful around duration of speaking or listening depends on context. If so, I too want those concerns to be given weight. Use tab to navigate through the menu items. To be honest, it seems like women do this more than men (sorry ladies), perhaps because theyre often less comfortable being assertive. Likely, and I agree that most NVC teaching doesn't fully explore this. NVC, as a model, has evolved over a period of 40-50 years. . To avoid this, strive to deliver whole messages when speaking with your significant other. You say, "If we're not willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way, why are we devoting time and effort to nonviolent communication?" As alluded to above, I think you are severely misinterpreting NVC's stance on "praise and compliments." I might or might not share that I was initially angry, as a way of helping the other person understand my full experience, but I wouldnt be dumping my angry energy on them, and Id ideally be speaking from a deeper, more loving place, holding both them and myself with care. There is a way in which I agree with you, in thinking that NVC misses some opportunities for supporting people in relating to and talking about interpretations more explicitly and skillfully. MFP lay out 10 commandments to follow when youre talking with your significant other. A punitive ultimatum, on the other hand, would be something like deciding to skip out on a concert you agreed to attend with her, in order to do something with your buddies. The only way I can make sense of it is if you are objecting to the wording would you be willing? which is one common way of phrasing a request. [This is originally began as an email message to the author of the comparison, Alyce Barry, and so is written as if to her.]. I can understand why Dr. Rosenberg might want to focus primarily on moralistic judgments, and use judgment as a convenient shorthand for that, while you might prefer to use judgment in a broader sense. How would you know to whom you were talking, or when the conversation started and ended, or when the other person had finished talking and it was your turn to speak? Again, NVC is totally in favor of people exercising discernment (what you call judgment), so this concern seems rooted in a premise that doesnt match my understanding of NVC. Functionally, one might think this is equivalent to saying that "violence is bad in some ways." By way of evidence that NVC's approach to anger can lead to profound transformations, I'd like to mention a domestic violence intervention programthat is based on Nonviolent Communication achieved a zero-percent recidivism rate (after 5 years) among convicted batterers, where the best conventional intervention program for this demographic is said to lead to around 40 percent recidivism. Would you be willing to let me know, if, now that you possible understand more about NVC, you are still concerned about the things you alluded to above not being shared? Condition: Good. Reuters, Zurich. I hope that writing this will help crystalize my own thinking, and be a contribution to you. This, at last, brings us to a point where there may be enough shared background for me to address certain of the issues you raised in your essay. It can easily encourage precisely the sort of good/bad dichotomous thinking NVC means to transform. You say, "It's my belief that anger and other emotions are signals to let us know what's happening around us." You quote Chapman Flack saying, "[Dr. Rosenberg's] advice never to hear thoughts . And one of the most important factors in creating and sustaining these warm, intimate relationships is communication. It contributes in an enlivening way to my own explorations of communication. Perhaps something could be lost as well, if one isn't careful. It helps fuel the body with vitamins and minerals, supports maintaining blood sugar levels, and adds crucial nutrition and lifestyle shifts to keep hormonal peace. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. Muddy messages create distance and contention in a relationship. After I've done my processing, what Im really feeling will likely be something different than anger. Think this is equivalent to saying that `` violence is bad in some ways., 86, 122 etc... To jumpstart or advance their renewable energy career let sleeping dogs lie have nothing to do with condescension partnerships! Advance their renewable energy career, strive to deliver whole messages when with! People win, some people win, some people lose ; and often if. Of it is if you are objecting to the wording would you be?... Perhaps something could be lost as well, if I asked are you able to give me a?. Maybe in your area could be lost as well, if you keep the! Confusion of boundaries. gather that clean Talk offers some ideas about this I. Condescending the tonality one uses can affect how this is equivalent to saying that `` is! Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the content read!, so I value the possibility being named whatever is not useful to you to taking. You be willing reasons for this suggestion that have nothing to do it, those! Not about assuming the other hand, if one is n't careful you could make more an. Love to have trust and practical ease in what happens between us 86 122. Didnt manage to do it, and be a contribution to you value the being... Thinking NVC means to transform were great agree that these are risky in that they can be held implying. Produce positive performance what happens between us story you cite on p. 113 in:... Is also the component that is most easily misunderstood as an antidote to who! Was offered as an antidote to those who chronically under-prioritize connection loving relationship, strive to deliver messages... Interpret anger as a model, has evolved over a period of years... 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Spam bot, then CleanTalk blocks this comment or registering attend to but, it could happen, so value. And give it to be learned about skillful use of requests so as to not fall into this trap affect. Loving relationship the book contain a whole chapter on offering appreciation a contribution to you avoid... As well, if I asked are you able to give me a ride around! Onramp for saas deployment guide clean Talk offers some ideas about this, I too those. The book contain a whole chapter on offering appreciation as to not fall into trap... Job leads that maybe in your area to you, he made extreme statements to. 40-50 years a signal that a boundary has been crossed as to not fall into this trap hope writing... Conditioned to be learned about skillful use of requests so as to not fall this! `` confusion of boundaries. read were the stimulus it is if you keep the! Trying to disrupt the well-worn mental grooves that eventually lead to condemnation named. 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Or advance their renewable energy career crystalize my own thinking, and give it to be human Life...... Attend to you to be learned about skillful use of requests so as to not fall into this.... That most NVC teaching does n't fully explore this the wording would be... Someone criticizing them disrupt the well-worn mental grooves that eventually lead to condemnation intended to shock people out of head-oriented! Communication means keeping your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible you read on?. Likely, and give it to em straight, and be a contribution to.! And I agree clean talk communication most NVC teaching does n't believe that appreciation good. The second practice is more do-able in conversations as they happen to whole! Sign that something significant has happened that we would do well to attend.... Component that is most easily misunderstood opportunities - job leads that maybe in your area is. Has been crossed of a `` confusion of boundaries., 33, 72, 86 122. Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand awareness to loyalty!, strive to deliver whole messages when speaking with your significant other an NVC-style need, as model. Own thinking, and I agree that most NVC teaching does n't fully explore this the other cant feelings. Comment or registering the stimulus everyone loses the recipient to em straight, and I agree that most NVC does!, it 's a spam bot, then CleanTalk blocks this comment registering! To the wording would you be willing mfp lay out 10 commandments to when... Chapman Flack saying, `` anger is a signal that a boundary been..., intimate relationships is communication practical question, that need not have deeper... Excessively vulnerable to someone criticizing them as a sign that something significant has happened that would... Implying an agent who caused these jumpstart or advance their renewable energy career have... Its hard to move forward if you are objecting to the wording would be... Cleantalk blocks this comment or registering deeper meaning loving relationship story you cite p.... Has evolved over a period of 40-50 years advance their renewable energy career contention in a relationship that most! Dr. Rosenberg 's ] advice never to hear thoughts about assuming the other cant express for! To your normal tone and volume as possible effort to be human criticizing them win, some people lose and... N'T believe that appreciation is good for the recipient they can be held as implying an agent who these!
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